Good Communication Begins Before We Open Our Mouths

Much has been written about the importance of good communication. But one essential ingredient is often overlooked.

To communicate effectively, we need to know what we’re actually experiencing inside us. Often our first impulse is governed by the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response wired into us to protect us from real or imagined threats to our physical or emotional safety. We don't have to be hijacked by our nervous system’s protective instincts; instead, we can pause long enough to uncover what we’re actually experiencing inside.

Vulnerability can feel threatening to the protective parts of us that are organized around emotional and physical survival. We can tap into another part of ourselves to access the more vulnerable feelings underlying our initial reaction. We can slow down enough to help settle our nervous system and bring gentle, curious attention to what we're experiencing inside.

As I explore in my book, The Power of Gentle Presence, learning to meet our inner experience with gentleness and curiosity can help us become less defensive and more available for meaningful connection.

Communication Based on Our Felt Experience

Communication often becomes more effective when we move beyond our first reactions and express the more vulnerable feelings underneath them. We might think we're expressing our true feelings when we are actually venting a defensive reaction. For example, we might attack while congratulating ourselves for being “honest.” “I really feel that you’re self-centered.” “I feel that you only think about yourself.”

Of course, these aren’t descriptions of our real feelings—they’re judgments and criticisms disguised as feelings. What are we actually feeling when someone offends us, neglects us, or doesn’t meet us where we want to be met? Someone can sincerely believe their partner is selfish and express that judgment forcefully. But they may not realize that beneath their anger lie more vulnerable feelings of loneliness, hurt, or fear of disconnection.

By accessing these primary feelings, we might say: "I've been feeling lonely lately, and I'm missing the closeness we used to have."

It takes courageous self-awareness to pause long enough to access feelings that may be threatening or overwhelming. In Internal Family Systems language, these feelings may come from a hurt part of ourselves that we pushed away—parts we've tried to keep out of awareness because their feelings are scary or uncomfortable.

No matter how many communication skills trainings we have completed or communication books we have read, our communication may fall short if we can't access these deeper layers of our felt experience.

Three Steps Toward Better Communication

If you want to communicate more effectively:

Slow down: Before speaking, slow down, take a breath, and put attention on the body. What sensations are we noticing? Is our stomach jumpy, our throat constricted, our chest tight?

Simply noticing what we’re experiencing without trying to change it lets uncomfortable feelings settle. Then, instead of acting out our feelings by attacking or shutting down, we have more bandwidth to notice them and speak from them.

Speak from your real feelings: Sometimes what feels like honesty is actually our initial defensive reaction. Pausing allows us to discover what's beneath it and show what's really happening in our heart.

Communication skills training often emphasizes using "I" statements—sharing what we're feeling rather than criticisms or judgments. That may sound simple enough, but it's not easy to confront feelings that may be scary or uncomfortable. It takes self-awareness and courage—a willingness to welcome both pleasant and unpleasant emotions.

Be open to listening: Communication means being willing to hear how our words are landing with the other person. After expressing our feelings, needs, and concerns, keeping our hearts and ears open to how we're affecting others goes a long way toward building trust and connection—which, after all, is probably what we're most wanting.

We can be absolutely sincere in our communication and still not be communicating our deeper truth. Good communication begins not with finding the perfect words, but with a willingness to pause, turn inward, and discover what we're actually feeling. When we speak from that deeper awareness—and remain open to hearing the other person—we create a safer path toward mutual understanding and connection.

© John Amodeo

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