The way you see yourself affects all other aspects of your life. It shows up in how you speak to other people, how you walk into a room, and even—or, maybe especially—how you have sex.
Typically, we think of body image issues in relation to women. I know: What a shocker considering we’re only constantly barraged since basically birth with ideas of how we’re “supposed” to look. But, in the age of “looksmaxxing,” “hardmaxxing,” and other male beauty trends, it seems as though the spotlight is starting to shine intensely on men, too.
“Men are bombarded with an ‘ideal’ body: lean, muscular, always in shape,” therapist Phillip Reynolds, MSW, LCSW-C tells Cosmopolitan. And when you start to become obsessed with the idea of how big and bulging your muscles are, you could potentially develop muscle dysmorphia—a psychological disorder where you’re extremely dissatisfied with how you perceive your own muscles.
You may be wondering why a fixation on your muscles isn’t just labeled as “body dysmorphia” along with other disorders people have surrounding their body image. Well, muscle dysmorphia is a form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. But because it specifically targets a belief that one’s body is too small, weak, or insufficiently muscular and lean—even when the individual is physically large or well-built—it comes with its own subset of resulting issues. And some of these issues manifest in the bedroom.
“When a man feels he doesn't measure up, that insecurity can follow him into the bedroom as anxiety, avoidance, or low desire,” Reynolds says.
According to a study, boys and men ages 15-35 who showed a dissatisfaction or discomfort with their bodies—especially in regard to their muscles—were more likely to experience sexual hangups and issues. This includes having anxiety during sex, a lack of sexual interest or enjoyment, lack of arousal, difficulty orgasming, physical pain, or some form of erectile dysfunction.
In this study, the strongest link was with appearance intolerance, which means having discomfort with being seen. Additionally, it’s important to note that some of the ways these men were choosing to build muscle—extreme training, restrictive eating, or steroids—were potentially also causing sexual function issues.
Therapist Jaron Vesely explains that body image is such a significant issue in men because it gives them an aspect of their life where effort and control really pay off.
“Building muscle can feel like the one place where working harder reliably gets results,” he says. “The cost comes when the body shifts from something a man lives in to something he’s constantly grading.”
For some people, there comes a point where their muscles just aren’t “big enough” or they aren’t “built enough,” even if there are obvious changes happening to their body. It’s just never enough. So eventually, those feelings translate into something called “spectatoring” during sex.
Men will spend an entire sexual encounter focusing on how they look or whether their partner finds them attractive enough.
When you’re being intimate with someone, you usually feel the most pleasure when you can be inside your own experiences of sensation, arousal, and connection. Someone who’s preoccupied with how his body looks, however, is often just watching himself from across the room instead. “Underneath it, more often than not, is shame,” Vesely says. “And shame makes us want to hide, which is pretty much the opposite of what intimacy needs.”
As a result, men will spend an entire sexual encounter focusing on how they look or whether their partner finds them attractive enough. When you’re constantly in your head, you may experience the symptoms explained earlier: anxiety during sex, disinterest in the act, or difficulty having an erection. All the while, their partner is probably sensing the disconnect.
“The expectation is that men are always ready for sex,” Reynolds explains. “So when a man isn't interested, his partner often assumes it's about her own attractiveness, and he may feel too ashamed to explain what's really going on. Both people end up hurt, and neither one says it out loud.”
This creates a cycle of unsatisfying sex and a lack of physical connection with a partner. And psychologist Zoe Ross-Nash—who specializes in eating disorders and trauma—explains that this can leak to other aspects of the relationship, as well.
“Due to the consuming nature of body image concerns, issues of this can decrease emotional availability,” she says. “Therefore, [men] are spending less time growing, deepening, or improving the relationships, due to time spent preoccupied with their body, planning workouts and meals, or worrying about how they are perceived.”
It takes real help and work to unlearn negative self-talk that someone may have internalized since they were a teen.
Reassurance can be great, but as Vesely explains, it can only go so far. He says that while telling your partner that they look great, sexy, or attractive may offer them outside validation, it’s really the inside validation they need the most. And of course, that’s something that no one can give them but themselves—with a help of a licensed professional.
Muscle dysmorphia is a real psychological disorder—and it’s not something that’s just going to go away with time. It takes real help and work to unlearn negative self-talk that someone may have internalized since they were a teen.
But there are still ways to help your partner through moments of insecurity during sex. Vesely encourages partners to lead with curiosity: Ask what’s happening without necessarily trying to talk him out of it. Give him room to discuss his feelings without shame. Remind him that his worth is separate from his appearance.
Despite the fact that men make up one-third of people with eating disorders, it’s not normalized for men to ask for help. Giving your partner the space to talk about how he really feels can open the door to actually seeking the necessary help.
“The good part is, we heal in relationships,” Ross-Nash says. “Talking about it is a great step to finding peace and self acceptance.”