My New Girlfriend’s Sister Is Telling an Atrocious Lie About Me. I’m Worried About What Will Come Next.

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Dear Prudence,

I recently moved home after a bad patch and ended up striking up a relationship with the adult daughter of one of our neighbors, “Claire.” She is five years younger than me, so we didn’t have much to do with each other growing up, but her older sister, “Sarah,” was a different story.

Sarah was always awkward and intense as a kid. She was the type to get a crush and basically stalk the poor guy and ramble on about how they were going to get married and have so many pretty babies. My parents forced me to take Sarah to dances a few times, but those were pity dates. I figured that Sarah chilled out in college, but apparently, she got worse.

She found out Claire and I were dating and flipped out. She lied and told her family that I took her virginity and got her pregnant—only she had a miscarriage, and that is why she didn’t ever tell anyone! I didn’t have sex until college and never so much as kissed Sarah. Her parents believed her because there was no way someone would lie about something so terrible. Claire doesn’t believe her and apparently hates her sister because Sarah has made passes at her previous boyfriends and blamed them when caught. Claire wants to keep dating, and I really like her, but I am wary about any other stunts Sarah will pull. I don’t think I can stay calm if she tries to repeat this crap in front of me. Help!

—Crazy, Not Even My Ex

Dear Crazy, Not Even My Ex,

PSA to parents: Do not make your kids go on pity dates! That isn’t a good experience for anyone. Plus,  it can lead to situations like this one.

With that said, I think the word “toxic” is overused, so I try to be judicious about when I use it in my responses, but I’m going to reach into my only-for-special-occasions supply and pull it out: This situation is toxic as hell and should be avoided. The claims Sarah is making against you are disturbing; her emotional state sounds like the foundation of a true crime episode that ends with you in the morgue. She’s successfully turned Claire’s parents against you, and you have the self-awareness to know that all of this affects you deeply and that you won’t be able to control yourself in a conflict with her.

Relationships are hard enough without all of these complicated dynamics. I’m sorry, but it just won’t work. Keep in touch with Claire for now. Maybe years from now, when Sarah has addressed whatever issue is going on with her, and navigating this familial tangle feels more manageable, you can try again.

Dear Prudence,

There’s this boy I really like. I like him so much my stomach twists and turns at the sight or thought of him. He’s the center of my thoughts, and it’s like he’s consuming me. We’re kind of friends, but I know it’s never going to be anything beyond hallway waves and side-eye looks. What should I do?

—Lovesick

Dear Lovesick,

Have you ever heard the advice that when you’re anxious about something, you should tell yourself you’re excited instead to trick your brain? Apparently, it’s backed up by research, like one experiment in which participants were assigned to prepare and deliver a speech in conditions that were designed to be anxiety-provoking. Before delivering the speech, some were instructed to say, “I am excited,” while others said, “I am calm.” The subjects who said they were excited performed much better.

I wonder if something similar could apply here. Maybe you could perform better at the task of getting through the day while being infatuated with someone if you told yourself you were excited rather than in agony with gastrointestinal distress over the whole thing. This post from The Maudern, a newsletter about “modern intimacy through the arts, culture, science and relationships,” does a great job of explaining what your crush can offer you:

Crushes are euphoric and healthy at any age—even for folks in serious committed relationships. By nature, these are not the sorts of entanglements that must be capitalized on in order to be enjoyed. And on that note, scientifically speaking, they do, indeed, bring us joy. 

Firstly, in the event of a crush, you’ll experience the release of a chemical called norepinephrine, which will typically bring you to a heightened level of attention or arousal. That ramped up engagement is what gives you the physical symptoms of a crush like increased heart rate, sweaty palms, even butterflies. Next, dopamine provides a spike in joy, renewed energy, and motivation—which is why a crush can feel a bit like taking a drug. The high is addictive.

The post goes on to explain that the dopamine rush of a crush can motivate you when it comes to things that have nothing to do with the object of your affection—like work, creative pursuits, and physical activity. It even describes crushes as “medicine for the soul.” That sounds pretty great. Maybe it’s time to lean into the energy your attraction to this guy is giving you. Is getting up and ready for school a bit easier? Do you get a burst of energy after those hallway run-ins? Do you walk around with a little bit of giddiness that puts a smile on your face?

Now, I don’t know why you’re so sure that this infatuation won’t turn into anything. But even if that’s the case, remind yourself that you don’t have to do anything but have the feelings you’re having, which, arguably, are not that bad at all.

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Dear Prudence,

“Mila” was a college friend of my brother for over 15 years. She is very queer and proud of that. My brother has always been lazy about dating. He is good-looking, musical, and has a good career, but he doesn’t want to put in the work. Mila has always been his biggest cheerleader and even tried to set him up when she lived nearby.

I ended up going to get my master’s where Mila lived, and we would hang out sometimes. a bad reaction to taking some drugs and was hallucinating. I called Mila in a panic, and she drove in the middle of the night to pick me up and took off the next day to watch over me. I will never forget what she did for me. I consider her a friend and the best person I know.

Mila went out to visit my brother and my parents. He made a pass at her and “joked” that they should just settle down, get married, and have kids since they have known each other so long. Mila doesn’t want kids. She jokes that she doesn’t want a cat because she manages to kill all the plants she has and can barely manage herself. Mila went home and called me frantically because my parents and brother just blocked her. She used another phone to leave a message, and my brother sent her an email saying they “wanted other things in life and he couldn’t give her what she wanted.” I confronted my brother and parents. He made an excuse that Mila was leaning too much on him and leading him on. I called him a coward and an idiot. My parents just said that Mila wasn’t their child.

Mila lost her mom a few years back and isn’t very welcome at her dad’s. My parents always told her she had a place with us, and they couldn’t even send her a text. I am considering boycotting the entire holiday season and going to visit Mila. She is the kind of person who would pick you up in a snowstorm or give you her shirt off her back. I thought my family was similar. Now I am disappointed beyond measure. What should I do?

—My Friend Too

Dear My Friend Too,

If Mila was planning to be with your family for the holidays and their unreasonable behavior means she’ll be alone, by all means skip the celebrations to be with her—especially if you see her as someone who could really fill a “chosen family” role for you for years to come.

In fact, regardless of what happens on Thanksgiving, this incident feels like an indication that it’s really important for you to strengthen your relationships with friends and loved ones outside of your nuclear family. Their cruel reaction to Mila’s totally reasonable lack of interest in your brother suggests a level of selfishness and meanness that I can only imagine will crop up again and again, very likely with you as the victim at some point. If that happens, I want you to be surrounded by people who are as loyal and loving as you are.

Classic Prudie

I use Facebook pretty much exclusively for a local hobby group, and recently had a weird interaction that flowed over to real life. I posted a giveaway and “Ann” was one of the people who replied; I chose her randomly. In her message, Ann expressed some confusion about where I live (there are a few different cities in this area, and I’m nearest to one but have the address of another). It became apparent that she wouldn’t be willing to come get the giveaway.