My Wife Used to Act Differently During Sex. I Think I’m the Problem.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

My wife and I have been long-distance for our entire four-year relationship. We have good sex, but it seems like she has enjoyed it less as time goes on. I always ask her about her experience afterward, and she is always honest and tells me if there were things she didn’t like. But she isn’t as loud or emphatic as she was when we first started having sex. We aren’t moaners anyway, but I can tell she doesn’t orgasm as often as she used to.

I trained myself to last for a shorter amount of time because I used to take so long that she would get sore. Now, though, I think I am too short. Ten to fifteen minutes seems to be the “sweet spot,” but recently I struggle to reach 5 minutes. She will be moving in with me soon, and I want her to enjoy our sex as much as possible. Is there something I can do?

—Always Room for Improvement

Dear Always Room for Improvement,

It’s not uncommon for people—especially women—to feel pressure to make less or more noise than they naturally would to fit in with what they think are their partner’s expectations. Stay open to the possibility that the volume and energy your wife was displaying at the beginning of your relationship were somewhat increased for your benefit, and that she’s relaxed as time has gone on.

When you say you can tell your wife doesn’t orgasm as often as she used to, is that based on any conversations with her, or is it more that you’re feeling pretty certain about an assumption? There could also be so many reasons that your wife is off balance that have nothing to do with you. Possibilities include family stuff, work stress, health changes (including whether she’s had time for consistent physical movement), and the significant disruption of moving across a significant distance and combining households. Even when we’re excited for these sorts of changes (which I expect both of you are), they’re still disruptions, and relocating to a different city is a particularly complex project.

So, take a breath, get your wife settled in, and see what the situation is once the two of you are adjusted to cohabitation. Start talking as openly as you can about the things you’re concerned about. Approach coming up with solutions from a position of understanding what’s actually causing friction or lowering satisfaction. If it turns out that she does want you to last longer during penetration, you can look into practices like the stop-squeeze and stop-start techniques.

Dear How to Do It, 

I have always had less intense orgasms when something is penetrating my vagina. To be clear, I don’t mean that I can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration. I can have intense orgasms from clitoral, oral, and even anal stimulation. It doesn’t matter if I’m solo or with my boyfriend; if something is in my vagina, I can’t orgasm as intensely as if there is nothing there. I love when my boyfriend licks my clit and puts his fingers or a dildo in my vagina. It feels amazing! But my orgasm is less intense and feels almost incomplete compared to when nothing is penetrating my vagina. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to get the same intense orgasm when I’m being penetrated?

—Wanting More

Dear Wanting More,

I can’t know for sure, but you’re off to a great start in trying to figure it out. Some people have different types of orgasms because of different types of stimulation, and experience some types as stronger or more enjoyable because they correlate intensity with enjoyment or because some other factor is more impactful. Annie Sprinkle and Beth Stephens have a great riff on this in their book The Explorer’s Guide to Planet Orgasm. You might find, after experimenting, that there’s something about the orgasms you experience while being penetrated that orgasms without penetration can’t provide, and embrace the options that this self-knowledge and the ability to choose how you’re going to orgasm give you.

If your boyfriend is up for it, invite him to take part in the process of getting more nuanced information about what stimulation you’re getting, and what’s working for you, in what ways, during penetration and other kinds of sex. You can also do this solo, and, to be as thorough as possible, I’d try alone and partnered. Come at the whole project with a spirit of “let’s see what ___ does” and bring the joy of, well, exploration. If you menstruate, keep in mind that cycling hormones (whether you use hormonal birth control or not) can affect what you’re feeling in terms of sensation in a way that is both fun and adds an extra layer of complexity because of the way that they constantly shift.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It, 

I’ve considered starting dating again, but since the last time I tried, I’ve discovered and really embraced the fact that I’m asexual. It’s a subject that I don’t really know how to broach with potential dates or when, especially when I know that likely means I won’t be compatible with most people (I’m not interested in any form of sex with anyone). Is there a right time and place to do that? I don’t want to make people think I’m assuming things about them, or somehow invite harassment by having it be big and obvious on a dating profile. At the same time, I don’t want to disappoint anyone or make them think it’s personal.

—How to Explain I’m Not Doing It

Dear How to Explain I’m Not Doing It,

With people you’ve met by happenstance (in public, through friends, “organically”), you can either wait for a point where the other person or yourself has suggested anything that might feel like asking for a date and then communicate that you are asexual (and, because it’s a broad and sometimes ill-understood term, that this means you are not interested in any form of sex with anyone), or you can mention it casually at any natural-enough opportunity. Sometimes these opportunities are one or two degrees of separation away from the topic, and they come in many forms. If a conversation turns to entertainment media or news and touches on a story that involves anything about sexuality, for example, that’s a potential opening. If you’re trading funny anecdotes from your lives, and you have one that is relevant to the running theme and illustrates your asexuality, tell that story. It’s difficult to give a useful script, because your own personality and the context at that moment will dictate what will be best.

As far as apps go, there’s some basic safety stuff everyone should be doing, like using a first name, initial, or pseudonym as your username, and being cautious about sharing the exact neighborhood you live in, your phone number, and important details like where you work. That’ll do a lot to prevent most people, except the most energetic, from being able to harass you any harder than a few unwanted messages on the app itself. Most dating apps have both a block function and a report function, and you can use each as applicable. Because dating apps exist entirely to meet people to date, there’s a higher default expectation of sexual interest than you would find at a social event, and managing those expectations through what you put in your bio (asexual, interested in which main relationship styles, and a couple of examples of what you enjoy on dates) will do a lot more in terms of efficiency for you and fellow swipers than it’s likely to bring as far as risk of harassment. And you’ll probably see other app users who have ACE, or language describing asexuality, in their profiles, which is a pretty solid indicator that the two of you can find common ground on the subject of how you don’t want to relate to each other—leaving that much more time to work through how you do want to relate to each other and all the other areas where you may or may not match up.

There are also communities and apps where asexual people find each other, which won’t have the same volume as a platform like Tinder but will inherently open you up to more people who know what asexuality is and are interested in dating.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I’m a 29-year-old woman who has been seeing a guy for about a year now. We’re lovers and friends, but not in a committed relationship. Recently, he said something during sex and I can’t stop replaying it, I’m a little freaked out.