Express the merry widow you truly are

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband died a while back, and I don’t miss him! He had grown old in a strange and cranky way, and I’m a cheerful person by nature. It was hard to hear him shoot down every idea I had to go out and do things together.

He wasn’t physically ill — just finished with having any fun. He had gotten depressed and wouldn’t take anti-depressants, although he was fine with getting drunk and critical towards me.

He was particularly negative about seeing friends and relatives, and living the active way we used to — always the first to get tickets to concerts and encouraging other friends to go with us for dinners at new restaurants. We also went to a lot of sports games, and visited friends and relatives. We arrive with lots of good food and drink.

So now when people ask me in that pitying voice used for widows, “Poor darling, how are you doing?” I respond, “He was miserable towards the end, and it was a relief when he died.” They look shocked, but it’s the truth, and they know it.

Finally, I’m free and don’t have him shooting down every positive idea. So, my question to you is this: How to I pleasantly shut up pitying friends and relatives and finally get out of this lonely prison and live it up?

— Relieved and Happy Widow, Transcona

Dear Relieved and Happy: Start phoning people and giving them permission to go out with the “merry widow.” Organize friends to go to comedy shows, music events and modern-style movie theatres where you and relax in a recliner with some beer or wine.

Also start treating your gabbiest friends and relatives to lunch so they get personally convinced you’re not a sad and miserable widow who wants to be left alone to grieve.

Make a list of your personal interests and hobbies and join a few too many groups — social, political, sporting travel — so you can easily dump the ones you don’t like.

Also, it’s time to get in shape at a gym and with massages, so your body gets happy again. For other happy jolts, hit the beauty salons and get new colour in your hair and some bright nail polish.

Express the “merry widow” persona you really are now, and don’t spend another moment letting people pat you on the back and say “poor thing.” Let them know you’re ready to really enjoy life and have fun again. Your attitude will give them a happy jolt, and the feeling they can call you any time now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently dumped a new boyfriend because he was way too interested in women’s feet. He wanted me to paint my toenails various shades of purple to get turned on, and then he’d want to make out! I thought it was fun, at first. But frankly, it totally turns me off now.

Yesterday, I complained to my manicurist about this guy and how he only wanted a certain shades of purple polish. She even knew the guy by his nickname that refers to his fetish for purple toenails — because I wasn’t the first woman in the neighbourhood to ask for the specific manicure. Now, I’m embarrassed to go back to that stupid shop, even though it’s so handy to my house. Help!

— Embarrassed, St. James

Dear Embarrassed: There’s nothing harmful about a sex partner getting a kick out of certain colour of nail polish, so why not give this poor guy a break and keep your silence about his little fetish? If this man annoyed you towards the end of your relationship, remember that he will have memories about you in happier times together, things he might have found quirky himself! A real lady or gentlemen keeps harmless sexual quirks about past partners locked in their memory bank.

You should know a huge turn-off for a new sex partner is hearing what an ex-lover was in to as they will naturally wonder, “Will (he or she) make fun of me to friends when I’m gone — or even before that?”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.