My Ex-Husband Just Died. My Kids Can Never Know How I Really Feel.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex-husband, “John,” and I had three kids together. We were married for 15 years before our divorce three years ago. Our marriage started out OK, but as it went on John became more and more controlling and misogynistic. He got jealous if I even just mentioned the name of a man he didn’t know. I had been considering divorcing him for a while, but I was always afraid of how he would react if I brought it up with him. So I was very surprised when he told me he wanted a divorce. It turns out he had met a very attractive younger co-worker and wanted to date her. We divorced, and he dated her for about a year. I did move on romantically and met my current boyfriend, “Bill.” We’ve been dating for seven months. I was planning on introducing this man to my kids, but then John died unexpectedly in a car crash a few weeks ago.

John turned out to be a surprisingly good father for our kids once we divorced (he certainly wasn’t when we were married). He only had the kids about eight days a month. My oldest two kids told me that both John and I were better parents divorced. All three kids were very fond of their dad, and though my eldest two complained about his occasional misogyny, they are very shaken by his death. I’ve talked to the youngest about it, but I don’t think she quite grasps that Dad is truly gone.

I might sound heartless, but I feel more relieved than anything that John is dead. Whenever I think of John, I can’t help but think of how he was at the end of our marriage. The only real sadness I feel about the situation is for my kids, because for some reason they liked him a lot. I’m looking into therapy and grief counseling, but in the meantime, despite my best efforts, my oldest two can tell that I’m not really shaken up about their dad’s death, and that is definitely not helping at home. Both of them are much more defiant and spend a lot of time alone or hanging out together in my son’s room. My daughter was always obedient and kind and sweet, and she swears at me if I try to correct her behavior at all. My boyfriend keeps wanting to move in, but I don’t think I can have him meet my kids right now. How can I help my kids when I really don’t care about their father’s death?

— Not That Sad

Dear Not That Sad,

I am so sorry that your children are forced to deal with the death of their father, and for the complicated emotions it has stirred in you. You should not feel obligated to put on a costume of grief in order to appropriately help your children deal with their own loss. It is okay that you don’t feel sad about John; he didn’t always treat you well, and you have painful memories of your time together. What matters is that you support your kids though what they are feeling.

As I often do in this column, I strongly suggest that you get some counseling for your children. The loss of a parent comes with a lot of emotions, challenges, and concerns, and all of you deserve some support in navigating this new normal. A grief counselor or therapist may be able to get things out of your kids that you cannot and can help them—and you—develop healthy mechanisms for dealing with what has transpired.

For your part, allow your children to talk openly about what they are feeling. Encourage them to share memories of their dad, to ask questions, to cry openly, and to experience their feelings without concern over judgement. When it comes to your youngest, there are lots of great children’s books written about death that can help you explain to her what has happened. I Miss You, is one of them, as is The Invisible String and A Kids Book About Death.

Now is probably not the optimal time for Bill to meet your children, and certainly not for you to move in with him. Allow your kids to first adjust to this new normal before making such a drastic change to their lives. Bill cannot replace their father, though he may eventually become a father figure to them. I don’t think introducing him at the height of the kids’ grief will allow them the opportunity to forge the sort of bond with him you’d want them to have. Wait another six months or so for them to meet, and before they do, allow your children to have time to adjust to the idea of you dating someone in the first place if this isn’t something you’ve talked to them about prior to their father dying. Hopefully, Bill will understand and will prioritize having a good relationship with them in the long term over his desire to blend the family now. A counselor or therapist can also help your kids come to terms with the idea of you having a new partner.

Please don’t beat yourself up for your lack of grief. You know what you went through. You and your children did not have the same relationship to John, so you will not experience his death the same way. At this stage in their lives, they don’t need to hear about why that is. They need to hear, and feel, that you are present for them in the midst of their loss and that you love them deeply. Wishing you all the best in getting through this.

—Jamilah Lemieux

From: My Kids’ Dad Just Died, and I’m Not Sad at All. (December 16th, 2022).

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am 24. I work full-time and am struggling to finish my degree. My days off work are always random ones in the middle of the week, so it is hard to get together and make plans with people.

My sister is a year younger than me with two toddlers. She married a guy ten years older than her when she was 19 (and everyone told her it was a bad idea but she was determined to go ahead). Our parents moved overseas two years ago, so it is just her and me in the local area.
Whenever she calls me, she wants to know when my days off are so I can do X, Y, and Z for her. She never asks about my life in any way. All she does is complain about her husband not helping out and how she needs a break—a break that resolves around me taking both her kids while I do a month’s worth of laundry at the laundromat or other chores. It is constant. I have started ducking her calls and lying about not knowing when I am off due to short staffing. The last straw was her waking me up at 6 a.m. demanding I watch her kids since I hadn’t seen them in a week and a half. I told her I just got off a 14-hour shift and nearly bombed a big test. I was dead on my feet and going to bed. She told me I didn’t know what tired was. I hung up on her and turned my phone off. I slept for 12 hours straight.

My sister is livid with me and I am not apologizing. Her mother-in-law volunteers to babysit all the time but my sister hates her. Her husband goes out with his friends all the time and for all her complaints, she has never taken him to task at all. Our parents have offered to fly her and the kids to their country and let her file for divorce as a last-ditch effort. She was affronted by the offer. I love my sister. I love her kids. But I am barely keeping my head above water as it is. I need help. Please.

—Not the Mama

Dear Not the Mama,

You have to keep telling your sister “no.” Try and have a talk with her about what’s going on in your world and how much work you have to do. It doesn’t matter if she understands or not. When she asks you to watch her kids, the answer is simply “no.” Let her know when and if you are available for child care—not doing her laundry, but child care—if you feel like occasionally helping her out with the kids. If not, simply tell her that you’re too stressed to be of any assistance these days. She will have to learn to make other arrangements. The reason she keeps turning to you is because you’ve stepped up and shown up for her in the past. You can’t keep doing that. If you want to offer her a day of babysitting per month, you can offer her a time that works for you. If not, don’t do it at all. Tell her “no” and mean it. You have nothing to apologize for. You don’t have time to watch her kids (much less fix the rest of her life), and she is going to have to find someone who does.

—J.L.

From: I Finally Ignored My Sister’s Constant Demands for Free Babysitting. It Did Not Go Well. (July 14th, 2023).

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter has been married for 10 years. Everything seemed to be going well until she found out last summer she was pregnant with her second child. Both she and her husband had decided not to have more than one, since two would cause a heavy financial burden. Her husband had even planned a vasectomy, but canceled. My daughter had a lot of side effects with birth control, so they wound up using condoms.

As soon as she found out she was pregnant, her husband pushed for an abortion. He became insistent, and at first she almost went to do it. Then, she thought that she would do it if the baby was abnormal, but the baby was doing great and she made a final decision to keep it. Now, her husband is furious and threatening to leave her and she is devastated because she might lose the house. He is constantly harassing her and making her life difficult even though she is the main breadwinner.

What can she do? Can she tell him to leave? She says she told him to go to couples therapy and he refused. I’m worried he may increase his threats. Should she contact an attorney?

—Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

I’m not going to play nice, because this dude sounds like an absolute jerk. I’ll agree with him on the fact that having another child can be expensive, but is it worth it to blow up his family to make a point? Unexpected pregnancies happen all of the time, and if you’re in a loving relationship you should be able to make it work. That clearly doesn’t seem to be the case here.
It baffles me to no end when I hear men say they don’t want any additional kids, but they do nothing to make that become a reality. Go get a vasectomy, bro! As someone who was snipped a few years ago, it was one of the easiest medical procedures I’ve ever had. So because he was too lazy or cowardly to do this for his wife, he’s now threatening to leave her because she’s now pregnant? That’s beyond toxic.

I obviously don’t know the entire picture, but your daughter should ask herself a question. Does this man bring more to the table than he takes off of it? In other words, she needs to determine if he’s a valuable asset to the family or if he’s an emotional leech draining her energy on a daily basis. She makes more money than him, he refuses to do his part for birth control, he refuses therapy, he bullies her to make a decision she’s uncomfortable with, and he’s unwilling to compromise. Like I said, I don’t know everything, but he doesn’t sound like a “keeper” to me.

I’m not saying she should file for divorce today, but if this guy isn’t willing to bend, then she should tell him that divorce is inevitable. If he doesn’t budge after that ultimatum, then perhaps you should have her and her child stay with you while she works out a plan to separate from him. Finally, I’m not sure what you mean by harassment: make sure she knows about the National Domestic Violence Hotline as a resource. I obviously hope she does not need this, but alarm bells ring in my head as I read your letter.

I’m hoping that he’ll come to his senses once he realizes that your daughter is serious about leaving him over this, and that that will inspire him to take the requisite actions to repair the relationship. But if that doesn’t happen, she’ll need to be ready to take action.

—Doyin Richards

From: My Daughter Just Found Out She’s Pregnant—And Her Husband’s Reaction Deeply Concerns Me. (Feb. 14th, 2023.) 

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I have an in-law who lives about a six-hour drive away. She was the first to have kids in the family and we are the second, so she is understandably anxious for her kids to play with their cousins and to talk to another mom. Our kids are close in age and get along super well. I really do like her, and I always enjoy our conversations. That said, when she visits, she always shows up with sick kids.