The Hidden Cost of Being the Reliable One

Lately, I’ve been hearing some version of the same question from women in midlife: “I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. Is this it?”

Many are navigating perimenopause, changing bodies and identities, and beginning to challenge inherited beliefs. At work, they’re often the “go-to” person who finishes projects. At home, they’re doing the “second shift” of kin-keeping, scheduling appointments, and keeping the family connected. They once believed professional success and increased income would lead to more freedom.

Ironically, the more reliable their reputation, the more they’re expected to handle everything. They often hear, “But you’re just so good at it!”

According to Gallup’s 2026 report, 34 percent of women working full-time were engaged at work, compared with 28 percent of men. Yet 31 percent of women reported frequent workplace burnout, compared with 23 percent of men. This gap was true for women with and without children.

And then there’s perimenopause, about which researchers are only beginning to learn how varied and diverse the symptoms are. A 2025 study following 679 women found that increases in menopause symptoms over six months were associated with increases in burnout.

Add on the return-to-office mandates, job insecurity, and rising costs, and it makes it harder to scale back or imagine doing things differently. A September 2026 CDC report found that 71.5 percent of U.S. adults felt very tired or exhausted at least some days during the previous three months, with women reporting more fatigue than men (20 percent vs 13 percent).

The Promise of Having More Time

Many women, myself included, naively believed that as we advanced in our careers and earned more money, we’d eventually have greater freedom and flexibility. Maybe we could afford to hire help with childcare, cleaning, or food delivery. But even then, women oftentimes are still the ones carrying the mental load of making sure everything gets done.

The women in my practice are smart and capable. They recognize that their own expectations contribute to their exhaustion, but knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it easier to let go. They ask, “Well, if I don’t do it, who will? Who will make lunches or check in on aging parents?” These are valid questions, especially when they’ve been the default caregivers for years.

Many say they no longer want to play the game, yet don’t know how to stop. After all, running and staying ahead have been a big part of their identity.

When Being Dependable Becomes Your Identity

Meet “Julie,” a fictional composite of many high-achieving women I’ve worked with.

Julie is a Gen Xer or elder Millennial who came of age during the “girlboss” and lean-in era. According to LinkedIn, she’s successful. Inside, she’s wondering how long she can keep going.

She has young children and helps care for aging parents. As the oldest daughter, she once took pride in being the glue that kept everyone together. Lately, she’s wondering what it would feel like to have someone else take care of things for a change.

However, when we explore change, four questions usually come up.

What Happens When You Stop Being the Go-to Person?

1. What if everyone gets mad at me?

This is a common one, especially for women who may have been socialized to be “nice” or are used to putting others before themselves. In families or cultures where caring for others is tied to love and responsibility, disappointing others can feel like rejecting and losing relationships.

In our work together, we accept the reality that some people may be upset when dynamics change. They’ve become accustomed to a certain version of you. Our work involves tolerating their disappointment while staying connected to what matters to you.

2. What if something bad happens?

Our brains are so good at imagining all the worst-case scenarios, aren’t they? It’s what helped keep our ancestors alive, but I remind clients it is no longer helping us.

I walk through these scenarios with clients. What’s the worst thing that could happen? How likely is it? And how would you handle it?

Perhaps the kids miss a few servings of vegetables. Maybe the house is messier than you’d like, or someone forgets an appointment. Some things will probably fall through the cracks, but we identify the actual non-negotiables for daily life to function and the “would be nice” and how to tell the difference.

3. Am I a bad person?

For many women, self-worth has long been tied to doing and being in service to others. I help clients move beyond black-and-white thinking about being a good or bad person and consider whether their actions align with their values.

Can you be a caring person who is invested in others’ well-being and decline another volunteer activity?

Can you love your family and decide you no longer want to remind everyone about the reunion?

Often, my clients need someone to hold up a mirror so they can see that they don’t judge others by these same standards.

4. What if I’m no longer needed?

This is an unexpected question for many folks and one they did not realize they were contending with. Letting go of responsibility can bring up unexpected grief.

Oftentimes my clients don’t realize that being the go-to person has brought pride and meaning. Whether an innate ability or a survival tactic, they’ve developed skills in anticipating needs, solving problems, and caring for others.

Stepping back can bring sadness about losing that role or grief over how many years they’ve spent carrying it. We also examine how we may have contributed to these dynamics. Taking accountability can help us recognize where we have the power to make changes.

Making Room for Yourself Again

We’re entering the stretch between Halloween and New Year’s, when days get shorter, and gatherings multiply.

This might be a good time to check in with yourself before answering another request: Is this something I want to do? Is it something others expect me to do? Or is it something I’ve always done?

I remind clients that small, daily actions add up. Maybe it’s letting someone else plan the next gathering, saying no, or asking for help before reaching a breaking point.

If you didn’t have to be the person who holds everything together, what might you have more room for?