At the end of our lives, regrets often center around what we didn’t do – the words we didn’t say, the relationships we didn’t mend, the apology we never found the courage to extend.
For Brandt, writing a letter can be the answer to our life’s biggest regrets, and a pathway to finding resolution to the “unfinished business” that can haunt us regardless of our age.
Her book, Unfinished Business: Writing the 5 Essential Letters of Your Life, guides readers through the essential letters that have life-changing potential should we find the courage to write them. Therapists can use these essential letters to guide clients through a healing narrative process, while individual readers can put pen to paper for a self-guided letter-writing journey.
Artushin: Share a bit about your background and what inspired you to write Unfinished Business.
Brandt: Who amongst us hasn’t had a near miss? A truck swerves, a troubling lab test, our plane hits severe turbulence, and our thoughts jump to someone we wish we’d said, “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” “You’ve made a difference.” And who amongst us hasn’t lost someone dear and thought, “I should have told them …”
My career in the arts as President and Partner at Fraenkel Gallery was all about ‘the conversation.’ Art was the medium that led to conversations about life, love, loss, beauty, justice, wonder and far more. Yet midway in my 40+ year career, I started to feel that there was something even more meaningful, perhaps even more spiritual, that I am here to do. When I happened upon an article about palliative care in 2009, I immediately recognized that this was the conversation I wanted to be in. While art had been my medium for deep conversations, mortality speaks to everyone. But what might I do in palliative care?
There is nothing that replaces the contemporaneous note – a record of now for later. Photographs, which had been the focus of my career, are contemporaneous notes, as are letters. And then it came to me: I could help people write letters – their most meaningful letters saying the things they wanted to say while they still could.
Artushin: Why letters? And why now?
Brandt: By their very nature, letters are a conversation involving two people.
It does not require batteries or special equipment; it doesn’t even require a manual (though I hope my book will be of some help along the way). We know what a letter is and what it can be. A letter is precious. It is held first by the letter writer and then both a time capsule and a time machine and can be read again and again. One can reach for it in the middle of the night. And while the timeliness of electronic communication is not to be denied, we have traded in the tactile and somatic richness of a letter in an envelope traveling through space and time for the immediacy and monotony of email and text.
Handwriting slows us down and gives our brain time to reflect and contextualize. The visual-tactile integration of writing enhances memory and plays a role in emotional healing. But not all handwriting is created equal. Mine, for example, can confound even me. For this reason, it is not uncommon for me to first handwrite a letter, benefiting from the more organic process of thought-to-paper, and then to type it for legibility – always adding the name of my recipient and my signature by hand. The path is part of the process, yours and the recipient’s.
In what appears as a hyperconnected world, we have never felt more disconnected. Loneliness is an epidemic. Roughly 50% of adults in the US experience loneliness and, as recent studies have shown, loneliness is detrimental to our health.
In his book, The Power of Regret, Dan Pink identifies the most common forms of regret, of which connection regrets are the most prevalent. We hear this repeatedly from therapists, hospice workers and chaplains. The most common refrain being: “If only I’d reached out.”
I recently received this message from a photographer I know:
“Just wrote to my father for the first time in over 30 years. Been estranged forever. Not getting any younger. Saw the opportunity to break a family curse with a letter. Following your project and some of the links you posted gave me the subtle, quiet inspiration/reinforcement I needed. So I actually sat down with pen and paper and wrote a letter.” And here is the kicker, the thesis of my work: “If I die today, with no answer, I am a better man for it.”
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Artushin: What are the five essential letters of your life, and how might writing them lead to personal growth and healing?
Brandt: The five essential letters are: Thank you; I’m sorry; I love you; I miss you; Goodbye. To which I’ve added two more for extra credit: legacy letters and writing to and from our future selves. It may in fact be that at the core of the five letters is our legacy – what we want to say now for future times. The act of letter writing connects us, and connection is healing.
Many cultures have rituals to address unfinished business, which is most clearly seen in the last days of life however, it is a throughline of our lives. Ho’oponopono is a Native Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. In its contemporary form, its mantra is: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. These are the same ‘four things’ that palliative care doctor Ira Byock outlined in his book Four Things that Matter Most.
Artushin: How might therapists incorporate letter-writing into their clinical practice?
Brandt: There is a history of therapeutic letter writing beginning with Freud’s letters to his close friend Wilhelm Fliess. The practice of therapeutic letter writing evolved in the century that followed and is often referred to as narrative therapy.
There is an immediacy to letter writing. It is within reach. It begins simply by putting words down on a page and making room for new thinking. Perhaps letter after letter.
Asking ourselves, our clients, our friends, “Do you have a letter you would like to write?” almost always elicits an automatic and positive response. It is within reach. Letter writing is simple, but it is not always easy.
Artushin: What do you hope readers take away from spending time with Unfinished Business?
Brandt: The time is now. What are we waiting for?
I have not yet met anyone who doesn’t have a letter they wish to write. And what they’ll discover is that it’s not about writing a perfect letter, it’s about writing your letter.