“Give your granny a kiss.”
For many of us, that was an instruction rather than a question. You greeted your relatives, accepted the embrace and submitted to the kiss. Whether you wanted to was rarely part of the conversation.
I remember not wanting some of those kisses as a child. The wetness, the bristly chins, someone’s face coming towards mine. The adults were expressing affection, but that didn’t mean I enjoyed receiving it in that particular way.
Now I’m 69, I understand the pleasure of being greeted by a child who is delighted to see you. A spontaneous hug can be lovely. Remembering the reluctant child I was, though, makes me question the expectation that children should provide one.
An Irish advert has brought that expectation into the open. Produced by the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre for its We Consent campaign, it shows grandparents greeting their grandchildren. A boy welcomes their embrace; an older girl looks uncomfortable as they approach.
“Not everyone wants a hug. Even from the people who love them”, the message goes.
The advert was withdrawn following criticism, including from Ireland’s justice minister, who described it as demeaning to grandparents. But beyond the controversy lies an ordinary family question: what do you do when your grandchild doesn’t want to hug you?
Firstly, we shouldn’t assume that a child declining a hug inevitably creates a family problem. Some grandparents simply accept it.
Yet, a conversation with someone with experience of working with children raised another possibility: grandparents may find it difficult to admit how hurt they feel when a grandchild doesn’t want a hug.
There is a familiar picture of grandparenthood: the delighted child, the outstretched arms, the rush towards you at the door. If your experience is different, it may feel awkward to mention, especially when friends share stories of adoring grandchildren. Admitting that your grandchild doesn’t want a cuddle could feel uncomfortably close to saying they don’t want you.
Perhaps you have looked forward to the visit all week, or rarely see your grandchildren and have fond memories of when they were smaller and happily climbed onto your lap. In that case, a brief hello can feel like a loss. You may wonder whether they are becoming distant or you have done something wrong.
It is possible to accept a child’s choice and still feel disappointed. The distinction is between acknowledging that feeling and making the child responsible for putting it right.
Experiences people have described to me over the years suggest families can find their way through these changes.
Shirley has four grandchildren. Three enjoy hugs, but Sam, now seven, who accepted cuddles readily when small, is less interested as he grows older. He started to pull back when she approached.
At first, she kept trying. A cuddle was always how she expressed affection. Eventually, she recognised that any more attempts were unlikely to make either of them happier. Her husband offered a handshake instead – Sam seemed more comfortable with that – so Shirley now follows his lead. They have found a greeting that lets her show her pleasure in seeing him without asking him to endure a hug.
Such an adjustment can sound straightforward when described afterwards. In the moment, they may feel anything but. A grandparent may miss the physical closeness they once enjoyed even while recognising that a growing child’s preferences have changed.
Children differ in how much physical affection they enjoy. Some seek cuddles; others prefer less touch. On any particular day, a child may be shy, distracted or simply not in the mood. An older child may dislike being greeted as though they are still little. We need to consider these possibilities before deciding what a refused hug means.
A grandchild might decline a kiss, then want to show you something they have made. A teenager might avoid an embrace but confide a friendship difficulty while you do a jigsaw together. Those moments are important.
The harder encounter may be with a parent. “She doesn’t have to hug you,” can sound abrupt to someone who thought they were simply saying hello. The grandparent hears a rebuke; the parent may feel they are explaining something that should already be understood.
If there is tension, discuss it privately. The child should not have to stand in the hallway while the family debates whether their refusal is acceptable. A calmer conversation later also gives the grandparent room to explain their feelings without asking the child to comfort them.
Nor does accepting that refusal mean abandoning manners. We can encourage children to acknowledge people, say hello and express thanks. A warm greeting needn’t include a kiss.
“Would you like a hug?” leaves room for an answer. What matters is accepting it. Asking again, comparing them with an affectionate sibling or saying, “You’ve made Granny sad,” puts the pressure straight back.
Instead, carry on being pleased to see them. Ask about their day. Offer a wave or high five if that suits them, both may suit the child more and be seen as a fun greeting.
Some grandparents grew up accepting unwanted kisses without imagining an alternative. Remembering that discomfort might help them understand their grandchildren’s choice. If they feel sadness, they can acknowledge it with another adult who can listen without dismissing the feeling or blaming the child. We can miss something without insisting on having it back.
As a child, I would have appreciated someone noticing my reluctance, saying, “You don’t have to kiss me,” and then enjoying my company. Listening, remembering their interests and making time all show children they matter.
Dr Denise Taylor is a chartered psychologist and author who writes about later life, work and meaning beyond full-time employment. Her latest book, ThriveSpan: Walking Gently Into What Matters Now is out now.