We need to listen to the stories of new moms and applaud those who can talk about their life in the midst of their pre- and post-birth fuzziness and glow.
It’s so true that we often forget the last days of pregnancy and the first days of motherhood when we are in a daze. Those are important moments that need to be remembered. The problem is what we lose in the forgetting.
We need to move from our focus on the traditional birth plan and ideals about the fourth trimester to a space where questioning, curiosity, and the contradictory feelings about mothering can be fostered as a core part of mothering.
A Real-Life Story of Transition to Motherhood
A childhood friend of my daughter’s, let’s call her Kim, recalls so eloquently what we'll call the rocky transition into motherhood. She sent me a message that her baby had been born a little early, but they were good. When I talked to my daughter, she warned me not to visit Kim. She said she had a hard time. I was curious about what my daughter meant.
I sent Kim a few texts and an important conversation followed.
Kim gave me permission to write her story, her truth.
She told me no one had told her about what mothering was really like. This is the catchcry of my work.
Kim’s story went something like this:
She was due to give birth mid-October. She had it all worked out. She would leave her high-powered job that she loved on Friday, Sept 25. This would give her time to do her handover at work and two weeks at home to mentally and physically prepare for the birth, to nest. She was looking forward to this hiatus as an opportunity to get the nursery ready and to spend some time with her husband before the baby came and they would become a family of three.
In the week leading up to her last day at work, she started to develop an itch. She didn’t think much about it until her sister, a doctor, told her it might indicate a liver condition and she insisted that she have it checked.
The itch was getting worse so on the Thursday, Kim made an appointment to see the doctor who was covering for her obstetrician who was away. He could only see her at 1 p.m., which clashed with a crucial and final handover meeting at work. She decided that her baby’s health comes first. Mother’s intuition. The doctor agreed with her sister’s diagnosis of cholestasis, a serious liver condition for the baby. Kim was advised that her safest option was to deliver her baby on Monday morning.
Kim was in shock. She was very worried about her baby and upset that her own doctor wouldn't be there for the birth. She felt that she had no time to prepare. Her last day of work was hectic and she wasn't close enough to anyone at work to confide in about her situation.
Her weekend was a complete haze for her.
The baby was born on Monday. All went well. But I suspected this wasn’t the whole story. Over the next weeks, Kim sent me texts that were honest and raw and illustrate the roller coaster of new motherhood.
The First Days as a New Mom
On Tuesday she texted me, “It hasn't hit me yet. I’m going to read your book during my maternity leave."
“My last day of work was only on Friday. It’s been madness, I finally feel like myself”
“This baby doesn't even look like me”
“It’s wild I still don’t even recognise myself. But every day I love her more and more. At first I was like ‘who is this alien?’”
“My husband and I are completely in love. She is ‘the sweetest’”
On Wednesday: “It’s been a major adjustment."
“I was pooped on everywhere last night at 3 a.m. [with a laughing emoji]. Just like a full explosion”
“Thankfully all I do is feed and sleep. My husband does everything else that needs to be done.”
“It’s an absolute shock to the body. Adjusting to these feeding windows every three hours without much sleep. But she’s such a cute little mouse”
Key Takeaways From Kim's Experience
What this story reinforces for me:
- The importance of a mother owning and telling her unique birth story. The recognition that any traumatic birth experiences, like Kim’s health scare or an unexpected early delivery, require special care and oversight.
- A new mom’s identity is necessarily in free-fall and involves recalibration. A baby has its own timeline, which requires a mother’s total surrender and change in priorities. Kim needed to make the sudden shift from pregnancy to being a mom without her desired time to nest. Becoming a mom is a shock in so many different ways. This needs to be recognized, articulated, and normalised as part of mothering.
- A new mom’s voice is valuable. It needs to be respected, claimed and listened to. A new mom knows herself. In this case, Kim listened to her body and her intuition. Her itch meant something. Kim mentioned to me that expectant mother’s need to know about the danger of cholestasis.
- A new mom who is surrounded by a loving and supportive network has the best chance for a smooth transition into, and experience of, mothering. Kim has a husband who looks after her while she cares for the baby, a father and two sisters, who have also had babies in the last two months, and close in-laws. She realizes how fortunate she is and voices gratitude for this often.
Mothering is a roller coaster of emotions and even when it is good it involves struggle.
Kim is both grateful and she’s lost something.
She understands that mothering is full of contradictory feelings, all of which matter. It is messy and interrupted and loving. Kim gets maternal ambivalence.